Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Doubt and fear

I'm not usually one to be overcome with fear, but last night I was overcome. The social worker had been here for three hours questioning us to expose any reasons we are not good parents. OK, that's a bit harsh, but thats the purpose of a home study, isn't it? She was very kind, in fact, reminded us of a family member. We're pretty sure she'll write up a good home study, however, for the rest of the day I felt an overwhelming sense of inadequacy... as spouses, parents, providers, etc. I know I'm not perfect, but it's no fun having to face your flaws. Then the devil threw another punch as Mr. Branch and I were in our van last night. We were discussing it's developing squeaks and rattles and I realized our van is 13 years old and the vehicle replacement fund tends to be spent repairing instead of building up to replace. Fear started to creep in. Doubt had arrived earlier in the day. The devil then reminded me of Twiggy Three's hospital bill waiting for me to call and make arrangements to pay... And Twiggy One's braces bill due in a couple of weeks... Suddenly I was laid flat. I couldn't be a good parent. I don't have the money for an adoption. I can't do this!!! I'm scared.

Well, I was right. I can't do this. Some good sleep helped my perspective, but this morning I was listening to a Focus on the Family broadcast of Ken Davis when I came to a decision. He was speaking about the Apostle Paul being persecuted for speaking about Jesus' love and he told his persecutors that he would willingly give his life. It was not a loss to him but a gain. I choose to go through this process even if it lays me flat, time and time again. If it brings glory to my Savior, I'm willing.

Stay tuned for Twiggy Four's brithday post on Monday...his 3rd birthday!

Mama Branch

1 comment:

  1. We will be praying for you all! You & Todd are great parents and you have a marvelous family :)
    I hope to be where you guys are in the adoption process someday soon! I am glad you went for it and I am excited to see everything come together for your family! :)
    Take care, Kary!
    ~ Denise Pearson